Patterns

Why Do I Keep Doing ‘This’?

Picture this: Albert Einstein wakes up late every morning with nary a moment to comb his hair. He rushes out the door and misses his bus. Again and again, he wakes up late and again and again he misses his bus. More consequences are likely follow. Because he missed the bus, he’s late to work. Because he’s late to work, he’s reprimanded by his boss which puts him in a foul mood. Because of his foul mood, he goes home and gets into arguments with Mrs. Einstein. Again and again he does the same thing with the same results. He tears at his already messy hair and asks himself, “Why do I keep doing this?”

While certainly not a definition of insanity, there is something to be said about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting it to go differently. Whatever ‘this‘ is for you, you may have asked yourself, likely in frustration, why you do a certain something that you do. It might be habitual use of substances like alcohol or drugs. It could be a habit of chewing your nails, sleeping in, running late. It could be getting angry and blowing your top on those you most care about. It may even be a habit that someone with an official title has assessed and diagnosed as one of many mental health challenges. Anxiety. Depression. OCD. Any number of mental health disorders pertain to habits or pattern of behaviors that are hard to give up.

Noticing Patterns

Why we engage in patterns of behavior can be chalked up to how some scientists believe we learn which is the process of reward based learning. It may not be obvious but there is a payoff to doing what you do and over time, the belief of a payoff. It might be relief from an uncomfortable feeling, a pleasurable experience, or some other process of getting something that you want. These patterns can become well worn and nearly automatic to a point where it feels as if you must do the pattern, whatever it may be.

The first step to changing these patterns is to notice that a pattern is occurring. If we zoom in, we can identify 3 parts: trigger, behavior, and consequence.

For instance, with Mr. Einstein, if we look back further to the night before waking up late, we might see a logical explanation. We might see Mr. Einstein watching YouTube clips criticizing his theory of relativity (trigger). Furious with these detractors, he types out long responses. Then he stays up well into the night, having angry arguments in his head until he drifts off into dreamland not long before dawn breaks (behavior). As a result, he sleeps in (consequence) with more patterns that follow.

This might be a norm for him as well as all the behavioral responses along the way. I have to watch these videos. I have to respond. He gives into the demands of these rules, scratches the itch of discomfort that rears its head without much thought into doing it differently.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.”
Fred Rogers

We might be afraid to map out and notice our behavioral processes for fear of what might happen. Doing things differently can mean discomfort in meeting an unknown versus the comfort of what we know. However, in slowing down and seeing the trees within the forest, we might do as the Mr. Rogers quote above suggests which is to name what we are experiencing and in seeing it and naming it, making it that much more likely that we can manage it.

Stepping Into the Stream

Human behavioral patterns are not necessarily a thing that we can hold up and show off to our friends as “my behavior”. It can’t be pinned to a corkboard or stored in a jar (though the result of a behavior possibly could). Behavior is an ongoing process that we can see but only in fleeting moments or through paying attention when it occurs.

We can imagine our ongoing behaviors like a constant stream of moving water. In the same way you can’t pick up and hold a stream, you also can’t hold your behavior. When a river becomes diverted, flooded, or changed in some way that too is part of the river. While it’s not possible to hold a river inert, it is possible to wade into and be in the river. The same can be said for behavior. To stand in it, name it, and divert the flow.

Diverting the flow follows the process of paying attention to when it occurs and naming. The next step is to ask yourself: is this serving me? In other words, is this behavior working for me? Really get curious, as if this is the first time you’ve come across this experience. What is it really like to do what you’re doing? Is it worth it?

You might find that it is. Only you can decide for yourself. It might be worth it to Mr. Einstein to argue his point. He may not see it as a problem. In fact, it may even be consistent with his values around standing up for what he believes in. Again, only he can say.

Ask yourself that same question. What is your behavior? Is it part of the life you want to lead? Does it bring you closer to what matters to you? Or is it more automatic and what you know to do?

If the answer is it’s consistent with your values, it might be worth doing. If it’s a no, it might be time to change that behavior.

Behavior Change Is Hard

It may go without saying but worth saying anyway. It can be hard to change what we do even after we figure out we don’t want to do it. Changing the flow of a river is no picnic either. It’s hard work. Having a mental health professional to guide you and offer accountability is one way to change the flow. You can walk together through the challenges and figure out what is working versus what is not.

Any number of therapy interventions have different explanations and means to work with this. You might explore the deeper implications of these patterns and what they mean, what needs are being met (or not being met) and how to meet them a different way. You might explore the mental processes that lead to these behaviors and how to change those. You might be encouraged to get comfortable with discomfort.

A simple, self implemented intervention is the process of mindfulness, or as defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn, “paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally”. This paying attention can do many things including offering a buffer between river and self. The process can become a little less automatic when we slow down to see what makes up the river and that space might grow, to not only understand what you’re doing but how to change it. Through slowing down to label what leads to the river flowing a certain way (trigger, behavior, consequence) we can also pay attention to the parts of the river. You might try the acronym STUF which stands for sensation, thought, urge, and feeling to see those parts. The amazing thing about this is you can try it anytime, anywhere.

Take a few deep breaths and practice labeling your present experience of these parts. What (s)ensations are you experiencing? What (t)houghts are in your head? What do you feel pulled to do in this moment (urge)? What is the present (f)eeling you are experiencing? It might be challenging if this is a new practice for you so acknowledge that aspect and use it. Sensation: perhaps body tension or shortness of breath. Thought: this is hard. Urge: get it over with and move on. Feeling: a tinge of anxiety. Try it for yourself. What comes up for you?

Remember that just as it takes time and repetition to divert the flow of a river, it takes time and practice to change what you do. However, over time as your behavior changes, just as with the river, you may find yourself in a totally different place – a place more in line with what you’re looking for out of life with vitality and satisfaction. You might even imagine that preferred future now. What does it look like? What are you doing? What makes it special? And what will bring you closer to that vision, in big leaps but even little by little?